Index/

Please take care while reading: This blog shares my unfiltered thoughts, including reflections on difficult personal experiences. If sensitive topics such as mental health, addiction, trauma or loss may be distressing, please take care or consider not continuing.

• 21 May, 2026 we can still love as friends

  I took a walk last evening, learning to depend on my own company again, trying to move past uneasy feelings. I had never wanted to get married when I was young. Looking at my parents, it seemed better to walk through life alone. But the greed for love had won the battle. Now years later, I’ve lost the war.

  A long time ago, I had a friend who met an astrologer, and asked if I wanted a reading. I agreed in good fun. He warned me I shouldn’t marry, that the person I was with would make me unhappy and lonely in the later years. I laughed it off, because I was convinced he was my person, god-sent after all the trials and lessons. My mind couldn’t fathom betrayal, not by him. The one who’s been by my side for years, the one I’d gone to hell and back with. But first came the temper, then the office crush… that broke my heart. It makes me sad knowing I can never trust him again, not completely. Emotionally checked out, is this what life will be like now? Forcing myself to forget, forgive and continue on in silence?

• 01 May, 2026 sad

  23, Jimmy Eat World

  I’ve been greeted with a reminder of just how much can change within a few hours. Banging doors, shouts of fury at 5 in the morning. Cries of apologies after. My heart is in two and it aches terribly. I've never been afraid of him, but I was left shaking last night. I felt something in me break. I wonder if it will remain like this; like an ugly stain that won't come off no matter how hard you scrub at it.

  In the end, I couldn’t find the headspace to attend tonight. I insisted he go without me. A voice at the back of my mind keeps telling me that it was meant to turn out this way. I wish I could drink myself into oblivion, stop worrying about what the neighbours heard. Just something to take the edge off. Its times like these where staying sober is hardest. Times like these I want to burn up from shame.

  He’ll be gone tomorrow and I have a few days to get my head straight. The idea of somewhere else seems much more appealing by the days. All I can do tonight is spend it on the verge of tears.

• 30 Apr, 2026 mayday 26

  I have an inkling that the entire world may be there tomorrow.

  I'm wondering if you might. I hate that she certainly will.

  I hope to keep my face and manners in check throughout the night. I wish the triggers would leave me alone, I'd love to go unnoticed.

• 24 Apr, 2026 Write out my remorse

  I suppose I should stop avoiding the elephants in the room and just get on with it. Write out my remorse. That was supposed to be the entire point of this, no?

  I just don’t know where I should begin. There’s a lot that’s been weighing heavily on my mind; a mind that doesn’t seem to want to be very present these past few days, too busy drifting between timelines.

  Firstly, I’ve gone ahead and collated all past pieces of writing. Reading through them, I did not even remember our friendship - or whatever that was - after school, and how it even came to be. Then, I wondered how we faded out of each others lives again. The last I heard of you, you didn’t ask after me, and she was sorry to tell me so. It seems, both sides had remained friends, after they'd forced me out. Two sides that were supposed to be on mine. I'm ridiculous for thinking that visiting any of this will help me heal. The more I think about it, the more I can’t forgive any of it, the more I want to hate you all.

  Secondly, the AI slop that is now the iD website completely threw me off today, and I confess I’m disappointed, more so unnerved… wondering what is going to happen to me in the long run, if I should pivot, but to what? I almost want to laugh, I wonder if I'll sit unemployed for years. I’m this close to calling life off.

• 17 Apr, 2026 No sleep

  Here I am, lying in bed at 6 in morning, wondering why on earth I can't fall asleep when I'm so madly tired and then it hit me: I had downed two large tumblers (possibly a litres’ worth) of green tea, while hanging out and counting down to midnight for Dor’s birthday.

  Well. Years of when caffeine had no effect on me whatsoever have certainly passed, and I seem inclined to forget the fact.

  Anyway, the 5-hour wait for sleep was spent going down the web archive rabbit hole again. I’ve recently been having a stubborn, resurfaced itch to hunt for monologues of my personal past.

  This time, it bore fruit. I’m going to collect everything I've been able to scour, and sort them by date and source. Surely this will help fill some of the potholes down memory lane. I can't even place some of the events mentioned in these posts I’d found. I suppose I really should start learning to be comfortable with letting things like these exist; not obliterate them and years later, try seeking them out again.

• 15 Apr, 2026 Careless & listless

  A mental breakdown had me crying the past evening away and then, listless til 4am.

  Awoke with a start this morning; his alarm made me jump from bed.

  I then chose not to pick up a call from my mother. I rarely ever do that. But I just couldn't bring myself to endure conversation, not today. She deserves a warm voice at the end of the line, I know she'll worry otherwise.

  Now I'm willing myself to go to sleep and have a more productive day tomorrow.

• 14 Apr, 2026 Today hurt

  Somewhere only we know, Keane

  Today hurt. I feel very alone.

  Years, and years, and years later and here we are, back at square one. Back in that circular, maroon-tiled bathroom, clutching a vial stolen from a locker. Back standing high above, a game of dare over the edge. All that kept me going during those painful years was a promise I’d made myself. A promise that I believed in with all my heart. A promise that I seem to have broken.

  It is a dull weariness that grows; living, creating, trying and trying. Little highs pale in comparison to the terrible lows. I’m tired. I’m so tired and I don’t know how to get out of this hole.

• 03 Apr, 2026 A fresh start

  In Too Far, Acceptance

  Well, I think I'm going to call this place home now.

  A home to pen my thoughts onto paper (or in this case, pixels) without the anxiety of prying eyes or perfect grammar. The body of unscrubbed thoughts that swim round and round in my head will now have their much needed exit.

  God knows I've missed jotting them down, and deeply regret deleting my many past journals. So hello, new journal, I promise to keep you alive this time; and as my memory tires, you can do the same for me.